Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
