i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
