my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
