I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
