Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
