PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize