just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
