life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
