So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
