Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize