my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
