So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
