i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
