My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
