The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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