Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
