just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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