I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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