im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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