just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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