i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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