My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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