remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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