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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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