I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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