I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
