This girl is more easily done than said...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I AM VODKA MAN
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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