The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize