i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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