and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
