loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
