now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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