He uses pillows to masturbate.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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