god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
