11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
