I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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