my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
