i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
