My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
