she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
