I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
