just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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