The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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