i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
