I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
