Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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