Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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