Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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