I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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