Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
