are you so shy because you have an std?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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