You're like the curious george of whores
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
