Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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