Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
