1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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