you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
