there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
