just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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