i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
