if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
