1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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