Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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