right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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