I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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