He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
