to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
