I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize