I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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