Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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