i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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