your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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