I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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