just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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