Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
