Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
