I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
